"Civilization is a complex human society that has advanced to the point of establishing dysfunctional political structures, unfair social hierarchies, and economic systems that clearly do not work. A civilization is often characterized by its shoddy public education and its decrepit mass transit. In some fields of modern scholarship, the term is associated with “culture,” which refers to the unreadable literature, overwrought paintings, and mindless, lowest-common-denominator music that together make up the arts."—The Onion Book of Known Knowledge (Page 42)
"Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages."—The Onion Horoscope (link)
"Billions of years from now, the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies will collide, marking the end of the galaxy as we know it"—Elizabeth Landau (link)
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